a response of mine in challenging_god

[novapsyche]

God never calls on the phone.

Heh. You'd be surprised.

The discussion in challenging_god brings back a lot of memories of the time nearly two years ago where I came face to face with God. I struggled with that after the experience wore away (though those three days gave me incontrovertible evidence, for me, that God exists and is part of this world, everywhere, at all times). I knew I'd never be able to explain to anyone exactly what happened to me. I knew that it resembled a psychotic break. So I kept (keep) it to myself.

So where does that leave me? I can't convince the rationalists; I can't witness to anyone except in very general terms about mysticism and Gnosticism. God becomes an intensely personal experience. The God experience is traditionally known as an ineffable one, but I know what happened to me, even if I can't tell anyone about it. I could put it into words, but would my account actually convince anyone of anything? I know what I know, and I have to keep that to myself.

Honestly, I worry that someone will try to talk me out of my experience. I had some of this with F, who was open to what was going on with me while it was happening, but backpedaled once that initial glow began to wear off. He made me question my lived experience. I don't want to risk that again, to risk being persuaded to ignore what actually happened to me for commonly held beliefs about cause and effect and the impossibility of what happened. Call it a psychotic break, call it delusion. I still hesitate to use the word "miracle", because that completely takes what happened out of the realm of rational discussion. But I've yet to come across another word that encapsulates that three-day period of my history.

Just as someone can have false memories planted in them, I think that real memories can be "explained away" by others who weren't even there. So I keep certain things to myself, alluding to the truth in bits and pieces. I don't really care if others consider me crazy. Some would say a sincere belief in God is a form of being crazy.

But the phone thing? That's the truth.

Comments

[hyparxis.livejournal.com]

Konstatine Raudive would agree....