(no subject)

[novapsyche]

What's the best lesson you ever learned from a bad relationship?

Comments

[mehinda.livejournal.com]

Heed early warning signs.

[forestdweller.livejournal.com]

Indeed, I'll echo this.

Also, When the object of your affection wants to pair bond (IE: Proposes Marriage or moving in together days after meeting) far too quickly, take this as a warning.

[vaxjedi]

Get out as soon as you learn it's bad.

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

This would have been my contribution to the conversation.

[blue-lightning.livejournal.com]

Don't go into a relationship just because someone has feelings for you.

[kimberlycreates.livejournal.com]

(Found via Friendsfriends) Good question.

Best lesson I ever learned from a bad relationship? Respect yourself.

[dionysus1999.livejournal.com]

When a friend tells you your girlfriend just hit on them, don't ignore this as petty jealousy.

And from that same relationship, masturbation is preferable to having sex with someone you don't really like.

[goodbadgirl.livejournal.com]

I agree with mehinda, heed early warning signs. People almost always let you know who they are up front, but in my past experience I've ignored some bad shit because the fantasy was so good.

[xterminal.livejournal.com]

What's the best lesson you ever learned from a bad relationship?

That it's okay to hit back.

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

3. Like others have said, don't ignore red flags, even if they're little ones. Little ones tend to presage larger ones later.

2. If this person's past partners feel disrespected by the person you're in a relationship with, chances are you will end up feeling disrespected, too. If it's just one bitter ex, maybe not, but if there are multiple instances-- take heed!

1. I am worthy of having my love reciprocated. I do not need to "settle" for less than what I really desire.

[atdt1991.livejournal.com]

Learn to cope gracefully with the idea that someone you love may use their position to manipulate you.

And then, learn how to walk away without grudging.

Also, learning how to say uncomfortable but necessary things, and to ask questions that may sound impolite, in order to really understand each other.

[simianpower.livejournal.com]

If you think your partner is cheating on you, it almost doesn't even matter if it's true or not because at the very least you don't trust them any more. And, odds are if that suspicion is there, there's a good reason for it!

[flutterby68.livejournal.com]

Most important thing I learned was that if they hit you once, it won't STOP at once.

One hit, and the relationship is over. Period.

[ryoganox.livejournal.com]

I whole heartedly agree with this you Flutterby.

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

Yes. And even if things get to the point where it seems like someone is about to hit you but does not, even that is a huge red flag. Time to leave.

[flutterby68.livejournal.com]

Yes, I ended a relationship because of that. He never, ever hit me. However, the barely-restrained violence I saw in him was frightening enough. I thought it was possible that it would eventually erupt, but even if it never did, it was obvious he had anger and control issues.

[ryoganox.livejournal.com]

Never compromise your morals or Faith for what one thinks is the security of a relationship.

[rikhei.livejournal.com]

Not to settle. I will never again be with someone who's not crazy about me, or with someone who forgets about me when someone else is around.

[brendand.livejournal.com]

This is a very good question. And I don't know that I have an answer to offer up. But I feel like I need a place to talk about some things, and I'd like some relatively objective opinions. I hope you don't mind if I ramble. :)

And feel free to point people here, if you like, J.

I want to say first of all, that I certainly don't think I am in a bad relationship. I also want to say that I am suffering from some depression, and so I'm sure things in my head are biased. And perhaps I just have so much time on my hands, and because I'm mostly unemployed at the moment, that I am spending too much time with M, and too much time to think (and dwell) on these things.

All of what I'm feeling may well be attributed to the above, but I think they all have a lot to do with how old he is. In many ways, he's just young. It seems like he thinks all of the my problems can be fixed by just telling me I'm cute (or adorable) which he says quite often. I like that he thinks I'm cute. But isn't it possible to hear that too much?

We've had discussions about sex, and there are some things we do pretty regularly. But there's one (relatively common -- at least in the gay world, although straight people do it, too) thing that I'd like that he initially said he would probably be willing to do, later. But now it seems like it's later, and he says he's just not interested in that. We are in an open relationship, because I requested it from the beginning. In many ways, I'm not the most direct person, and I won't pretend I have an easy time finding people who want to have sex with me. But M and I met just over a year ago, and in that time, (and I don't know how long it had been before that) I haven't "received" what I REALLY want as far as sex goes.

It's hard to say "I'm not happy" because I'm depressed, and try to imagine whether or not I'm better or worse off without M. Would I be more depressed? Would I be more driven? Would I be more likely to find a job? This sounds like more "What if...?"s that I wrote about recently.

I guess I just don't know how to compare this to other relationships, because I've never really had any sort of long term relationship like this. And I just don't know if what I'm feeling is my depression, or typical "boredom" or if this really is a relationship that is worth ending.

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a lot of issues are coming together and getting confused.

Relationships take work. They're not easy! If you're in an open relationship and you're not getting the sexual things you're looking for, then you should go to M. and say, "Hey, I'm happy with what we have, but I'm also going to look into XYZ." If you're in an open relationship, that means being open.

Ann Arbor is just not a great job market, and I would be loathe to put that on your relationship. I don't know the particulars, obviously. If it's a matter of time and schedule, there are things you can do to apportion out your time. The choice between job and relationship usually arises out of, "Um, my job's being moved to this state!" and not "I'm spending so much time with you I can't find a job."

As far as being driven, well, motivation is part of a feedback loop. It's good when both partners are encouraging each other to do what the other wants to do. If neither of you are encouraging each other in positive ways, then maybe you could talk about that and see what comes out of that discussion.

Only you can determine whether a relationship is worth keeping. A good partner improves your life. A good relationship occurs when both people are improving each other and are having fun (at least a good deal of the time).

[brendand.livejournal.com]

Well, the first sentence is absolutely true. :)

I'm not expecting it to be easy. And we've talked about the sex issue. But it's more than just that. In any case, it's something else we're going to have to talk about.

Yeah, it is an odd job situation. I won't pretend it's not. It doesn't help that he's a grad student whose advisor is giving him very little to do at the moment, and he's got July and August with nothing at all to do.

Well, we are having fun. I think most of it is in my head and/or not that big of a deal. Sometimes it just helps to bounce things off other people.

Thanks!

[jennkitty.livejournal.com]

1) i deserve to be happy, and that doesn't include settling.

2) it's ok to burn bridges and end things badly. if they won't take a hint, or refuse to let go, and you need that distance, it's ok to break things clean.

[bloodlikerain.livejournal.com]

don't sleep with the ex.

[chimalis.livejournal.com]

Breakup sex (the one last time sort of thing) is NEVER a good idea.