One thing I've learned about it from dealing with two low-self-esteem ex-girlfriends is that you have to first figure out what your limitations are, then pick goals either within or just slightly outside of those limitations. In this way you can succeed more often than you fail, and in the process slowly push those boundaries out. Success breeds confidence, which in turn breeds more success.
The reverse is true as well, so if one is trying to build self-confidence it's best to start with the smaller, achievable things. One of my exes wanted to be in real estate for herself within a year, own and rent out multiple houses, etc. She KNEW she wouldn't be able to afford that, and thus barely tried, and then beat herself up about "failing". You're not a failure for not achieving something that isn't reasonable and possible in the first place, but that's how she felt.
It might help to make some lists and compare them: "what are my strengths?", "what are my weaknesses?", "what are my goals?". Then match your goals up to your strengths, rank order them, and go to town, avoiding or mitigating the weaknesses as you go. In fact, some of the goals could be to remove the weaknesses. A different ex always thought of herself as very smart, but diminished somehow because she always hung out with a crowd of us who had advanced degrees while she just had high-school equivalency. We all kept telling her that intelligence and degree level, while correlated, aren't a one-for-one match, and that it was possible to be smart without going to college; she "knew" this, but couldn't feel it, and decided to go get a degree, starting with an associate's degree and moving on from there. It wasn't even a weakness of hers, but it was a *perceived* weakness, and she seems more confident now that it's been addressed.
I don't know if this has been at all helpful, but it's what I've got. Maybe I need food. :)
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branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2005-06-07 02:40 pm (UTC)The reverse is true as well, so if one is trying to build self-confidence it's best to start with the smaller, achievable things. One of my exes wanted to be in real estate for herself within a year, own and rent out multiple houses, etc. She KNEW she wouldn't be able to afford that, and thus barely tried, and then beat herself up about "failing". You're not a failure for not achieving something that isn't reasonable and possible in the first place, but that's how she felt.
It might help to make some lists and compare them: "what are my strengths?", "what are my weaknesses?", "what are my goals?". Then match your goals up to your strengths, rank order them, and go to town, avoiding or mitigating the weaknesses as you go. In fact, some of the goals could be to remove the weaknesses. A different ex always thought of herself as very smart, but diminished somehow because she always hung out with a crowd of us who had advanced degrees while she just had high-school equivalency. We all kept telling her that intelligence and degree level, while correlated, aren't a one-for-one match, and that it was possible to be smart without going to college; she "knew" this, but couldn't feel it, and decided to go get a degree, starting with an associate's degree and moving on from there. It wasn't even a weakness of hers, but it was a *perceived* weakness, and she seems more confident now that it's been addressed.
I don't know if this has been at all helpful, but it's what I've got. Maybe I need food. :)