inspired by a morning talk show

[novapsyche]

[Poll #771666]

Comments

[blue-lightning.livejournal.com]

Just like to add, however, that context is everything. If the 41-year-old is a prof, and the 19-year-old's a student, then of course no go.

[aiela.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's any ever hard-defined definitions of "right", and "wrong", but it certainly sets off my "bad idea" triggers

[mehinda.livejournal.com]

Oh come on, that's the only time it should happen! ;-)

[simianpower.livejournal.com]

Sure, it's okay, but it's probably not about a deep mental connection since they don't have the same experiences at all.

[blue-lightning.livejournal.com]

You so bi-ased! :)

[mehinda.livejournal.com]

haha! It wasn't 22 years difference, thank goodness.

Mostly, I just think that there are very few combinations of people with such an age difference that would add up to a healthy relationship. Obviously, I'm in no real position to say what is and is not okay, so I answered from the perspective of "how would I advise my friends in a similar situation."

At least the cliche of the prof/student is tried & tested & the power dynamic is out in the open.

[ryoganox.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to add: Though I don't have a problem with it. I doubt a relationship would with this large of a generation(s) gap would work out. It could, and I am sure it has, but as a whole, I don't see it.

[eposia.livejournal.com]

curious if any comments or opinions would change if you kept the time span but changed the numbers...How about a 51 year old person with a 29 year old? and so on.

[quility.livejournal.com]

It is not ok - b/c the power differential is too great. Obviously there could be exceptions - but in most cases - I would consider it taking advantage of the younger person - who does not have enough life experience to easily say no to an older person's advances.

I believe in the half plus seven rule of dating.

I feel pretty strongly about this.

[mehinda.livejournal.com]

My opinion would change; a 29 year old, typically, is more firmly entrenched in adulthood than a 19 year old.

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

Have you seen How Stella Got Her Groove Back?

[quility.livejournal.com]

No - should I avoid it?

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

Heh... it's about a 40-year-old woman who starts seeing a 20-something guy. It stars Angela Bassett; it's actually not that bad.

[pigfish.livejournal.com]

What if the younger person was advancing on the older one?

[cabell.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I agree. I mean, I'm 24, and it's okay for me to date a 35-year-old, but it would NOT have been okay for me at 14 to date a 25-year-old--even at 18, a 29-year-old seems like it would have been pushing it.

[cabell.livejournal.com]

That would fit into the half + 7 rule, though.

[quility.livejournal.com]

If he's 27 I have no problem with it. obviously it isn't that cut and dried - but I strongly caution against crossing that line. I hope I'm not treading on any toes.

I might check out the movie tho. :)

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

it would NOT have been okay for me at 14 to date a 25-year-old

This goes without saying. I am a believer in an inability of teens to consent to older adults (although I think a 14-year-old dating and/or having a sexual relationship with another 14-year-old is perfectly acceptable).

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

Does age always = power?

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

Yes, this is part of the plot of the movie mentioned above.

[cabell.livejournal.com]

When I was 14, I did date a 19-year-old. But the 19-year-old was a woman, which I think colors most people's perceptions of the relationship. I think that it was fine--I was definitely the pursuer, for one thing, and she never pushed me on anything--but I still don't think the idea of 14-year-olds dating 19-year-olds is a good one in the abstract.

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

Well, IMDb says that the movie isn't all that great. And I've only seen it once. So take that as you will. :)

[quility.livejournal.com]

It is natural for a person on lower power/experience to fall for someone older. This happens with patients and therapists a lot. That is why it is the more mature person's responsibility to gentle let the younger person know that it is natural - but not appropriate and would be an abuse of the older person's authority and power if he or she were to allow it to happen.

[sarahmichigan.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's morally wrong, but you have to wonder what they see in each other.

If a 41 year old usually dates people within his/her age range and finds him/herself unexpected attracted to a 19 year old, that's one thing.

If a 41 year old dates much younger people consistently, it makes me think s/he only wants to date people who don't have enough experience and wisdom to call the older person on his/her shit yet.

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

What if it's just a sexual relationship?

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

It is natural for a person on lower power/experience to fall for someone older. This happens with patients and therapists a lot.

I think this has more to do with the nature of the relationship between therapist and patient--the patient is obviously opening up a lot of private information and so is entrusting a lot of hirself in hir doctor. Same with the professor/student relationship. There is an inherent power imbalance, and so most people would have an ethical problem with such a relationship becoming romantic.

But if it's just a random 41-year-old and a random 19-year-old, I don't think the situations are comparable because there is no inherent imbalance. Just MHO.

bonerici:

[novapsyche.livejournal.com]

19 years old is miles and away different from 12. I'm sorry. They are not comparable.

[quility.livejournal.com]

I do agree that it is possible for the power to not be imbalanced - but it is much more likely. It's a big red flag. and if any friend of mine were contemplating dating someone outside the half + 7 range - on either end of the equation - I'd council extreme caution.

[quility.livejournal.com]

there's tons of sexual shit that ppl need to be called on. and a younger person might not have the frame of reference to see the shit yet. that doesn't mean it isn't there and isn't affecting them.

[dionysus1999.livejournal.com]

Though I've heard enough client/therapist dating stories to drive me crazy. Just say NO!